Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
