I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
