theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
