I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
