I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
