Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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