I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
