I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
