if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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