we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I FOUND THE LEGS
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
