Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
