I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
