are you still at the devil's house?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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