I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
