I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
