i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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