wanna go halves on a baby?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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