Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
honey bunches of taint.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
