they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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