I wanna bring you to show and tell
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
