your parents love me but you hate me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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