He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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