I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
