Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's shark week go big or go home
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
