1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
