Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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