At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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