I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
