Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
