Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
