I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
