Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
