now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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