My underwear smells like fireworks.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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