forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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