cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
