we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
