cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
