On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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