The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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