I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
