Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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