I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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