You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
