I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
