I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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