I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
