my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
