I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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