he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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