Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
