My Higher Power is John Stamos
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
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