Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
